Why are some people at work toxic and how can you deal with them?
Jairam is a good-natured and hard working person - the types who finds time in the weekend to go teach underpriviledged kids maths. He is working at a start-up which is struggling to find a product market fit and hence he was tasked with innumerable responsibilities, is literally working 16 hours a day for 6 days a week and sometimes, even his Sundays were not spared. He was considering quitting for many months but was advised not to do so by his well-wishers due to his obligations.
But that wasn’t even the worst part - his founder is a gaslighter who used subtle emotional manipulation to push folks to the boundaries to get work done. This includes incidents such as firing him and then coming back to him after in hour, fully teary eyed and then hiring him back “I could not do this to you”. When that person found out that this friend was looking out, the founder pushed him even harder and made it impossible for him to focus on a job search. I meet him occasionally and I was obviously saddened me to see him in this predicament but I felt happy that he finally found the courage to quit his job despite the short term uncertainty.
I’m reading a book called “Maybe you should talk to someone” which is a best-seller which takes us inside the mind of a psychotherapist, her experiences in that profession and her need to take up therapy due to a life altering event that hit her out of the blue. It mentioned on insane number which is just could not digest - “In 2022, around 55.8 million adults in the United States received treatment or counselling for their mental health within the past year.”
One big reason for therapy is workplace stress and I believe that the number 1 reason for workplace stress is a bad environment. The number one reason for a bad environment, more often than not, is toxic behaviour exhibited by some people - especially those with power.
Some stats from a survey -
This book, the facts that I cited and the torrid experience that my friend was going through reminded me about a topic a think about often because it is so prevalent and important more than ever before and something that really needed to be written upon - toxic people and their affect on the workplace and on one’s mental health.
So why are people toxic? I have a few theories but I’d like you to relate to these points from your workplaces and add any points I may have missed out -
The simplest explanation to this is that they lack emotional awareness and depth. They lack empathy, don’t have trust in others and do not understand the other person’s point of view, more often than not
They believe that the workplace is their fiefdom and like to dominate and run the show and do not like it when their charade is interrupted. Their need to dominate also lead them to be hierarchical, condescending and develop a “Yes Man” culture
They are insecure if there are people more competent than them and want to put them in bad light with a game of one upsmanship when they get the chance
They like to hide their incompetence and lack of nuanced thinking with a show of decisiveness which leads to multiple bad decisions that hurt the company in the longer run
They lack courage to accept their mistakes and accept criticism or feedback and go into a shell and then push as many people under the bus as possible to order to get away with it. They also do not let go on mistakes made by others. They are not aware that people who are motivated and well-meaning will make it a point improve their work more when their mistakes are forgiven by leaders
They are extremely vengeful and make it a point to bring up the most obscure of targetted issues in times when it will hurt the other person the most
It might be hard to believe, but they might even be decent people outside work. Having said that, they put on these masks at the workplace because they believe that their way of working is normal and effective
I can think of so many more traits but that would drag this article, so let me move on to the next point - what are the consequences of toxicity at work?
It simply leads to a bad culture where their is a lack of trust, an atmosphere of silence and tension and it hits employee morale and fails to bring out the best in people and eventually leads to higher attrition
It’s okay push people to get work done but its not okay to push people to burnout especially when personal insults are normalized. In this day and age, there is a very fine line between work and home which makes this more important than ever before
Their lack of trust may even lead to them showing a lack of morality and make push people to answer or be available even at difficult times
It leads to office gossip and grapevine and constant “bitching” - all of which are negative traits
There is no real thought given to genuine employee well-being and career progression
Incompetent people and “yes men” are given more importance and promoted
As I’ve once mentioned in another blog, when there is an atmosphere is trust and people are motivated, magical things can happen even in tough times. I know there are outlier examples that negate this but its much more difficult for companies to click if the atmosphere is dampened by toxic behaviour
The golden question, how do you deal with toxic people? There is no magic formula here but here are my thoughts:
Stay focussed and professional as much as possible and don’t give them a chance to latch onto mistakes - get work done on time
Have other sponsors and support systems at work that you can lean onto. Develop some equity in your workplace using their support
Avoid getting emotional (easier said than done I know) and learn to develop a thick skin. Self awareness is the key here
Stay clear of them as much as possible and be the bigger person in times of conflict - accept your mistakes openly - that will reduce their ammunition to an extent
Avoid bruising their ego BUT do not take sh*t from them if you have that leverage - nothing is more important than self respect
From personal experience, vent out when really needed, especially at a bar with friends or trusted colleagues. But avoid excess office grapevine and negative talk - it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and can lead to others developing a negative image about you
Have a good life outside your workplace and don’t make your workplace the centre of your purpose. A good fitness routine, travel, hobbies and other constructive habits will help you become more rounded and disassociate from your workplace. Don’t get stigmatised and not seek therapy - it may help you clear your mind
If you see a chance to do so, share a lighter moment with that person and share a laugh in a group - have trust that people can change, at least a little. Nothing is forever
To build on the point above, have a face-to-face conversation with that person in the opportune time if you think there is merit in trying this out
However, in the worst case, if you don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and if your lifestyle and obligations allows you to do so - just quit and move on. I know it might be difficult to get through that phase but it’s never the end of the world. I’ve seen dozens of people do better in life after moving on from bad experiences despite short term hardships. As Hrithik sings in the movie Kaho na Pyaar hai - “Khaali haath aae the hum, khaali haath jaenge”
Over time, you realize nothing is more important than your well-being and that self respect and self esteem is at the core of your wellness - this is something that you will appreciate more and more as you age and develop better sensibility.